The Mic'd Up & Motivated Podcast
The Mic'd Up & Motivated Podcast features insightful and intriguing interviews with passionate professionals from around the globe who empower young people, impact lives, and create positive change in schools, organizations, and communities. Hosted by international youth motivational speaker Jason A. Dixon, the Podcast dives deeper into current affairs and contemporary topics affecting today's young people while sparking meaningful conversations and providing practical advice, strategies, and valuable insights to help grow your ability to engage young people and the adults in their lives more effectively. Join us each month for a new episode full of candor, authentic back-and-forths, and moments of honesty. Get ready to be educated, entertained, and equipped to keep moving forward, making a difference, and elevating yourself personally and professionally.
The Mic'd Up & Motivated Podcast
Empowering Teens and Parents: Insights from Life Coach Desiree Panlilio
Prepare to be inspired and empowered as we welcome Desiree Panlilio, a dedicated teen and parent life coach, to The Mic'd Up & Motivated podcast. Desiree shares her remarkable journey from a critical care nurse to a life coach, shedding light on the vital role of resilience, empathy, and parent-teen solid relationships. Learn how Desiree helps teenagers navigate failures and setbacks gracefully and patiently, offering practical advice on setting goals, building self-confidence, and fostering a supportive environment. Her heartfelt stories and professional insights make this episode a treasure trove of wisdom for parents and teens alike.
Discover the transformative power of parenting with love and wisdom through Desiree's invaluable reflections. Drawing from her own experiences, she emphasizes the importance of elevating conversations over raising voices and nurturing self-advocacy skills in children. Desiree's approach highlights the balance between coaching and parenting in emotionally charged situations like teenage breakups, allowing children to process their emotions and develop independence. This episode underscores the significance of guiding children through real-world interactions with a foundation of understanding and support.
We also tackle the pervasive influence of social media on teens and the importance of meaningful parental engagement in their online activities. Desiree provides strategies for connecting with teenagers through shared interests and treating them as equals, fostering solid and respectful relationships. Gain inspiration from impactful role models and learn to guide teenagers gracefully and patiently. With actionable advice and heartfelt narratives, this episode is essential listening for anyone navigating the complexities of parenting or working with teens in this day and age.
I tell every parent a teenager is one decision from a bad outcome. They are one decision from a bad outcome. And you know what, as long as it's not so bad that they can't, they can recover from anything, as long as you love them right. They fail a test. Okay, it's a bad day, it's not a bad life, it's you know. They failed a test. They already feel bad. So the conversation is wow, what's next? How are you going to fix this? How do you move forward from there? Not like you're never going to college, you're going to be this or that. None of those things transpire.
Speaker 3:Welcome to the Mic'd Up and Motivated podcast, where we interview passionate professionals who empower young people, impact lives and create positive change in schools, organizations and communities.
Speaker 4:Motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated, motivated podcast. Welcome to the Mic'd Up and Motivated podcast. I'm your host, jason A Dixon, and in this episode I interview Desiree Panaleo, who is a teen and parent life coach. Her holistic approach brings clarity, direction and positive support to both teens and parents. Desiree helps teens discover and create a pathway to a clear and focused future. For parents, navigating the teen years and creating connections with your teen is challenging, and Desiree helps parents to fill that space and build a relationship. By identifying where growth is desired, setting goals and objectives and holding accountability, clients will reach their highest goals and dreams. We all have a light within us and Desiree believes it is important to have it shine. I just want to start off by publicly thanking you and just acknowledging how patient you've been during this whole process. I know it's been a while I've been trying to get you on the podcast, so I just want to thank you publicly for just all your patience and just being prepared and being ready for today.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you. You know what Part of being patient is? Just part of who I am. I try to be patient. I do lose my patience because none of us are perfect, but I try to be patient and give grace. So, yes, thank you.
Speaker 4:Thank you, Thank you again and again. Throughout this process I've kind of had a chance to get to know you a little bit and see why you're so effective as a teen and parent life coach. You've coached me through this process of us just even getting this podcast up and going, so I've had a chance to see it up close and personal. Have you always been that way?
Speaker 1:I'm patient and full of grace? I don't know. I would think in my younger years absolutely not. I think if you were to ask my parents, they'd tell you I was like any other teenager. I wanted it now. I wanted it right away. But during my growing up and changing I always wanted to help people. So I became a nurse. That was my big ambition when I was a kid. I want to be a nurse and I think having that opportunity to go into nursing it really stops you, although it's incredibly fast-paced, but it also stops you to realize that people need patience, people need grace. So I have worked on that.
Speaker 1:Do you think that I've lost my temper and lost my cool Many times? But I really try to check it and say is this the hill I want to die on? Is this what I want to do? And kind of the big thing is I went through life and I journeyed. That moment when you lose it or you get really angry or you blow up, that's what people remember about you forever. They don't ever remember how much kindness you show them. Afterwards. They remember that moment, that most negative moment. I mean. Think about anything you do in life. If someone does something amazing for you like you go to a restaurant and you have the best service, you might tip your waitress nicely, but it's not like you go home and write this amazing review about them, right? You just kind of move on. But if you went to that same restaurant and it was awful, you would be on Google giving them a one-star review, right? Yeah?
Speaker 4:that's true. That's very true. You're right about that. How do you explain that? Because you're right about that.
Speaker 1:It's just, you know people. I think we just like to do that. I think when we complain, we feel that we're going to get something or that we make it miserable for anyone, instead of kind of giving the grace that one, maybe they're having a bad day. I are both for anyone. Instead of kind of giving the grace that one, maybe they're having a bad day, I always try to think about if something's going bad, hopefully it's because they're having a bad day and hopefully that if I was having that bad of a day, someone would give me that grace.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Kind of step back. I mean, there's always times when you know it's gone, you've kind of given that grace, and then you're like then they kind of hit my line in the sand, where then I'm like now I'm going to have to get angry, and I usually preface it with now I'm not going to be nice, now I'm disappointed. And then usually they're like wow, okay, cause they know that you've tried to kind of meet them where they're at.
Speaker 4:Right, right, no, again, again. You just sound like a life coach. It just flows out of you. So I want to ask you is this someone who who's, I'll say, dabbled in life coaching as well, with teens and life, uh, uh, teens? I get the reaction a lot of times well, you know, wow, that's amazing, but also like, so what does that entail? So I'll ask you this as a professional life coach for teens and young what does that mean? What does life coaching entail? Like, how would you summarize it in your own words?
Speaker 1:So, you know, it's kind of like I tell parents when I get to talk to them, you always wonder as a parent if you're doing the right thing and if you're being a good parent. And that's what I wondered, right? And we get teenagers and you're really wondering, right, because there's that eye rolling, the frustration that your teen's trying to kind of disengage from you and kind of become their own person, right? So a teen life coach, my big thing is to help the teen have that, have that independence and not having mom and dad kind of breathing down their neck and driving their path, letting them learn that personal responsibility and personal accountability. Because for even me as a parent, it was really hard to like let go. You want to kind of hold on, you want to make sure your kid makes the right steps, does the right thing, does their homework, but at some point you got to step back as a parent and go if they don't do something. They are going to learn so much from this experience and that's really where I came into it as a parent.
Speaker 1:I saw parents you know we call them helicopter parenting we have them doing all this other stuff. I don't think it helps. So teen life coaching is really about helping kids figure out what is their pathway to success. What does personal accountability mean, what does personal responsibility mean? And then it's helping them develop those. You know we call that funky, you know fun name that executive functioning skills. But you know, it sounds all impressive when we say it but really it's like teaching your team to communicate, teaching them time management, teaching them how to advocate for themselves, how to ask for stuff, how to ask for help. I mean, for some reason we don't enjoy asking for help, even as adults you know.
Speaker 1:Think about it. You know how often do we ask someone for directions. Or you know, and I know, we have Google now, but when you're completely lost, google's not working, how many times do we ask or ask where something is in the store. People walk up and down a store and try it. You know that we don't want to engage and ask, and so it's teaching kids all those interpersonal skills that have kind of, you know, gone by the wayside, especially with social media right, that's like a big thing.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you're right, that is so. That's very true, and I want to dive a little bit more into that. But first I want to just get a little bit more about your story. Now you have two daughters that you've raised, right, you're also married. So tell me a little bit like, did you ever feel like when you were, while you were raising your daughters, did you ever feel like a life coach at that point in time? Or is this something that you just kind of, that you kind of fell into, and so this is. You know, I should be doing this.
Speaker 1:Well, it kind of came from, you know, probably from my parents, specifically my dad. He was this amazing father and I adore him and I miss him every day. But he used to have these great words of wisdom that you know, we say all the time. But you know, when I'd want to argue with him, he would like stop me and back then, you know, parents read the newspaper and he would go when you're ready to elevate your conversation and not your voice, I am so willing to have this conversation with you. And then he'd go back to reading the paper and I could stand there and yell.
Speaker 1:And he never yelled back. He just kind of was like, oh, you can go. But I learned very quickly. But, wow, if I stop and I come with an argument not, you know, argumentative, but an argument up to why I should get to go to the sleepover, why I should have get to stay out late, and I presented it nine times out of 10, I won. It was kind of like now, here's my reasoning, here's my background, here's all these other things that the expectations of what you wanted me to do are done and I'm like, wow, and I love that, because I see so many parents kind of spoon feeding their kids.
Speaker 1:So as my kids got older, I'm like I can either spoon feed them or I really like that thing of how do I develop your skills so that you can go out in the world and be successful, so you can advocate for yourself, because you know we're in the workplace? You can't yell at somebody to get your own way. You need to go. Hey, I deserve a raise, or hey, I deserve this, or hey, this isn't working. But you shouldn't be learning that skill as an adult. We should start teaching it on their teenagers. So that was my big thing. So my kids will tell you that now their big joke is don't coach me, just parent me. Sometimes, like they'll just like, just tell me what to do, because parents, they see parents doing telling them what to do. And I'm always like, well, how do you think that'll work out? Well, what would be the logical consequences for that? And helping them sort it out, and even as adults are like, oh, could you just tell me the answer, I'm like no, I really can't. I want you to figure it out.
Speaker 4:Oh wow, I love that. I love that. Do you ever find yourself kind of stuck in between the two of what they want you to do, whether they want you to coach or parent them? Do you ever find yourself struggling between the two?
Speaker 1:Sometimes. But you know what it's all about that. You know that love. And I always tell people I have girls. So you know I, you know I can't relate to boys, but I remember, you know high school. You know the breakups with the boyfriends, right? Oh my gosh, you really want to be that coach where you'd be, where I wanted to say so, what'd you learn during this process and all this thing? And at those moments you know what. I just got out the ice cream or the chocolate chip cookies on the couch and let them cry it out because that was their experience. I knew as a parent and as a coach. And we all know, as a grownup, there's going to be many breakups in your life, right, but in high school you're just figuring out how to emotionally deal with them. So to tell your kid there's other fish in the sea, I thought that is such a mean comment. It's a. You look back on it, you go well, okay, but it's really mean because to them there is no other fish.
Speaker 4:This was the fish, the vain one, yeah.
Speaker 1:And yeah, there might be 30 million of them out there, but this is the fish that I caught. And what do I do? So I always tell parents it's really realizing, and I think me as a parent that every time my kid came with an emotion that was the first time they were feeling it. I might have felt it, but this is their first moment. So I always joke that I'm in it to win it. And you know my kids go we're in it to win it. Right, I'm in it to win it. That emotion, that anger, that frustration, you can throw the book, you can rip up paper, I'm totally in. You can have those emotions are normal. We can talk about better ways to deal with them, but at the time it was like I'm parenting and I'm like they've got to be able to experience that. I think sometimes as parents we forget that.
Speaker 4:Right, right. Yeah, that's so awesome and that's insight and revelation for me too. I mean, that's great insight. Now, desiree, take me to life before life coaching and what you were doing.
Speaker 1:Life. Before life coaching, I was a critical care nurse, so I worked in critical care, so in the ICU and in nurse management. That's what I did and I loved it. I loved the rush, it was the opportunity, because in ICU you're kind of one-on-one with the patient, one-on-one with the family, and I like that. I like that better than being with tons of other patients and not getting to know the family. To me, I kind of relished that connection, kind of in the same way as I was going through nursing school, paying for it, I worked in nursing homes and I loved being able to and I worked night shifts. So I always tell people I loved the old people that would wake up early in the morning and have morning coffee. Although they weren't supposed to, I was totally the rule breaker. I'm like you want to have morning coffee and watch TV while I finish up my homework? I am totally in.
Speaker 1:But, just having that. I love people connection. I think that's always driven me. I love connecting with people.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah and you can see that that really shines through and that's why I can see how easy the train well, maybe it wasn't easy, but the trends, how you transitioned effortlessly into coaching, it just seems like you have a knack for people Like. You genuinely love people.
Speaker 1:I do, I really and I let you know what my whole thing is when my kids were teens. No one loves teens. It seems they, you know, they're, they're, they're, they're tough. Right, they have moments. They're trying to establish their own identity. They want to make the own rules. They want to have all this freedom, but they have no idea how to use that freedom. And they want all this stuff, but they still want you, as a parent, to pay. So it's kind of bringing it all together for them and giving them freedom. That's appropriate, but also understanding for them to understand. When they're not doing it, there's consequences and there's behavior. That comes with all of that and it's tough. Parenting a teen is tough, and parenting a teen today, in today's world, where you're now not only competing with the parents around you, you're also competing with social media, that's really hard as a parent.
Speaker 4:Right.
Speaker 1:And a teen.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right about that, and that's something I want to talk more about. Tell me about the actual transition. So when you knew that, okay, I want to go into life coaching and this is something that I feel like I can do and really be impactful in this space.
Speaker 1:So I think you know. So we were in the military, we moved around a lot and so we were moving to duty stations. I'm like I'm not going back to work. My kids were getting a little older and it was kind of, you know, I could work or I could be at home. So I chose to be at home, but it was watching them struggle as we moved from school to school, struggle with making friends, struggle with asking for the classes that they wanted, struggling just to be, have that, you know, growing in self-confidence, and I'm like, wow, this is crazy.
Speaker 1:And so then I read every psychology book. I could get my hands on everything about development, even though, you know, I was a nurse. Unless you deal with it every day, it's kind of hard. So I read everything I could and how to do it, and then I just and so it was really for helping my own two girls, you know, thrive and survive in military moves. They went to, you know, three different high schools each of them so. So in high school is tough, right, like everyone's kind of clicky. They don't want to let new people in. So what do you do? How do you help them? So I could either, you know, be the bull in the china shop, or I could try and give them tools. So that's really when the transition started to come, when we just started moving and they got older and it wasn't so easy, and I'm like how do I help them?
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, I need to be the parent that helps them be the best version of themselves and build self-confidence, because you know at that stage they get their self-confidence from their peers. But if you're leaving your peers every year, year and a half, you're not getting it because you're kind of the outsider every time. So that's really what it was is how to be confident despite not having that peer group.
Speaker 4:Yeah, wow, I love that. And you saying that and kind of sharing your journey reminds me of something that I was told that sometimes what you're meant to do is not you don't find it, but it finds you, you know, and it seems like that's what happened with you. It just kind of coaching found you. You know, in that, during that transition, did you feel like that? I did you know?
Speaker 1:it just felt like it. It came, you know, in that, during that transition, did you feel like that? I did, you know it just felt like it. It came, you know, after reading all the books and staying up late at night and then trying some different things with my kids and they were kind of guinea pigs. For you know how do I communicate this to you, how do I share this with you? And because it was like pulling out the books, right, I you know one. You know big Stephen Covey people. I love Stephen Covey people. I love Stephen Covey. You know his seven habits. How do we create win-wins? And I, you know trying to tell. So, trying to tell a teenager, how do you create?
Speaker 4:a win-win situation is a little they're like I don't know Right.
Speaker 1:So it was trying to be like oh well, let me break it down, how do you make it? So you kind of get what you want and the other, you know, it was really breaking it down and having that. So they were kind of my guinea pigs on communication, so. But I, yeah, it was kind of a calling and I started doing it with other kids in the military, other spouses and other people like, hey, can you help my teen? I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, and I didn't really realize, wow, it's not just my kids.
Speaker 4:Right, yeah, yeah. And I think I think a lot of parents when they realize that it's not, that you're just not like in this silo, like it's other families going through the same thing, it's like an epiphany, you know.
Speaker 1:It is. It's a huge epiphany. And you're right, it's not just. You know, my kids military kids it makes it a little tougher because they're moving. But even kids just dynamically change, right, you know, you change from your freshman to your sophomore to your junior year. You're changing, you're growing, and if all of a sudden you're not liking what the cool thing is, then you're kind of outcast, right. So how do you? You want to make sure we're building their confidence despite that, because at every point in some kids' life and I tell parents this at some point your kid's going to be the outsider. It doesn't matter. I mean, you can be the it girl, then all of a sudden you're the not it girl. You can be the coolest guy in school, and then all of a sudden you're not the coolest guy and from. However that happens, you know.
Speaker 1:usually, generally now it's social media, but you know, something happens. So how do you make sure that they're confident in themselves and that we reassure them that they are amazing, wonderful teenagers, so that when that happens, they're not having you know the huge crisis that we're kind of starting to see a little too much of in teenagers lately?
Speaker 4:Yeah, yep, absolutely, and you're starting to see a lot of dynamics are changing, which leads me into my next question.
Speaker 1:So officially, how long would you say you've been doing life coaching for teens? Officially five years. It's been a business.
Speaker 4:Okay, Okay. So what have you seen change over the course of that time? Within teenagers not necessarily the business, but within teenagers.
Speaker 1:I think, um, overall, I see them. I see a lot, a lot of lack of self-confidence, a lot of wanting to really belong, and not belong so much in their peer group but belong in the social media world. So you know, there's that fear of being, you know the fear of missing out, right. But now there's this big fear of being left out, right. If you're not seen or you're not liking something on social media, or you're not, if you don't have your picture taken with an Instagram selfie with the right people at the right party, you're kind of in the out group and I'm like that's so sad. So I feel like there's a lot going on. And I know we just came out with the National Institute of Health just recently came out with social media is an epidemic, it's not a good thing for teens and we need to figure out how to regulate it. And I'm like an epidemic, it's not a good thing for teens and we need to figure out how to regulate it.
Speaker 1:And I'm like that's like a Pandora's box, because I'm not sure how you regulate it, because now is that government stepping, it's overstepping, or or is that a parenting thing? And I think it comes back to parenting.
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Speaker 4:There's so much that again, parents have to worry about and deal with. So when you obviously I know you focus on teens, but do you find yourself coaching the parents just as much as the teens, or even more so?
Speaker 1:You know it's both. So I do the teens and I do parents about communication and I do parent talks and every once in a while, when I get to do the parent talks, we talk about social media and it really comes back to parents kind of assume kids should know how to behave on social media, which is kind of odd to me, because I think we need to be teaching values. We need to be teaching what's important to us as a family, so you and what you know what my values are as a parent, what do I value, what's important to me. And then we need to be role modeling. Kids learn the most by role modeling.
Speaker 1:So if you sit there on your phone, they're going to sit there on the phone. If you say to your partner, significant other oh my gosh, look at this funny video, look at this Karen at the airport picking up, throwing this thing across the airport and not getting on her flight, or pulling the fire alarms in the airport, and you're laughing and thinking that's funny. Well, now you're a teenager or even younger, especially younger kids, who are really trying to figure it out. They're like my mom thinks that's funny, that's normal behavior, I should try something similar. And so then you're like whoa.
Speaker 1:So I always tell parents you need to spend some time reflecting on what you're saying about social media when you're watching it, what you're watching on social media, talking about it. At a much earlier age I said you need to be engaged with who are you following on TikTok? Like ask your kid, what are they doing on TikTok? Who's your favorite YouTuber? And they're like wow. And I'm like you want to know, because if they're showing them stuff that you don't want them to be seeing, then you need to have a conversation. Because if they're showing them stuff that you don't want them to be seeing, then you need to have a conversation. Because if you're not having a conversation, they're finding it on the Internet. Information on the Internet is not accurate.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. I always say, if you're not telling them what needs to be told, then somebody else is, you know. So you're right.
Speaker 1:Exactly, especially values, and I think it needs to start young. It needs to, you know, it needs to start very young, and I think parents need to take a step back and decide when should their kids have a phone? It's getting younger and younger, not older and older.
Speaker 4:Right, yeah, you're right, absolutely. And, and, and I have a three year old niece and just to see how smart and savvy she is and how she picks up on things, you know, again, I feel like social media can be a blessing and a curse. I think that's part of it. They have access to all this information, but then it's like you said how accurate is information and what are they learning when they look at it?
Speaker 1:Right, and what are they going to turn around to say to you that you're? And then you're like whoa, like that is way nothing that we believe as a family, or where did you get that information? Cause I'm not sure that's really the truth, or you know, and I think for the other thing is, is that whole instant gratification, tiktok, and those are such tiny soundbites and their minds start to whirl? I'm like I really think and I stress this so much with teens, with my kids, take the time to read a book, I don't care what book it is. That's my big thing, my big message at the end of the school year do a book club with your teen over the summer, I don't care, I read't care, I read. You know all kinds.
Speaker 1:I read Harry Potter on my kids, really, you know tweens and stuff, cause that was really popular. I was totally into reading Harry Potter and then watching the movies and having a discussion, but them reading Harry Potter was the fact that they were reading it, and then I read it and then whatever else divergent, insurgent, like all these very girly veronica roth books, and I was like I'm in it to win it with them, right? You know, my husband and I, we would read them, we would talk about them, but it calmed them down. It was like that time that they kind of decompressed and they read. There was nothing that was stimulating, it was their imagination, them, them reading a book. And I tell parents you have no idea how valuable that is, even if they start to daydream on the book and it doesn't matter, it's just their downtime.
Speaker 4:Right, yeah, I love that. I just love the approach that you take when it comes to guiding and coaching not just teens, but parents as well. I want to ask you about this. So I had a chance to do a talk to some teens who were present for a business camp and I introduced them to a word that I knew nobody in the room would know about. It's called ephebophobia, which I don't know if you've ever heard of it. It's the fear of teens, like literally the fear of teens, and you alluded to it earlier about how the perception that people have of teenagers, and so I want to ask you just to kind of maybe coach the listeners who may stumble upon the podcast or listen to the podcast. What are some ways that people, adults, especially people who may have this negative perception of teenagers what are some ways to engage teenagers, to talk to teenagers, to befriend teenagers and not always have like this oh, they're going to stir up trouble or do something bad. What are some ways people can do that and engage in a positive way?
Speaker 1:I think it's just talking to them, taking a moment. You know if they're in front of you in the grocery store, because teens don't want to talk to adults, right, you're. You know they're in front of me in the grocery store buying stuff, and I don't know they're buying. They could be buying a crazy chocolate bar that you've never heard of, right, or a bag of chips, or look at you and go oh yeah, it's my favorite one.
Speaker 1:You don't have to have any more of a conversation, but now you've just created that thing where that teenager goes. Wow, all adults aren't bad. That person just asked me this really cool question about my chocolate bar. If you have teenagers that are in your family and you see them, ask them what's next, ask them what's exciting in their life, don't go. You know the whole thing. You know what are you going to do with your life. You know what? Yeah, that that's like. You know that you're waiting for that sarcastic answer to come out of a teenager, right? What are you going to do with your life? Well, you know. And then this comes right, I think I was probably the sarcastic teenager when someone asked me that. But ask them what's interesting to them. Go. Hey, you know what is your favorite. You know what are you watching on TikTok? What's your favorite YouTuber? What's your favorite movie? If they're a gamer, what game are you playing right now? Hey, I don't really know a lot about that game. Can you tell me about it? What level are you at?
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:To share some information with you. And then, all of a sudden, you know you can have those things because you can even laugh and go. Oh, you know what? I remember when Atari came out with their first one, before you know. I remember, you know when it was, you know the first version of this game. And then you're laughing and talking, right, and now you're connecting with them and you're not. You're not preaching to them. I think that's the thing. Teenagers don't want adults to go. So do you have a summer job?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Or are you volunteering? You know they get that at school. They get that at school. All of that pressure comes in there. So when you want to have a relationship and talk to teens, make it something that they're focused on. That's our responsibility, I tell people, as an adult, is for us to stand above, rise above and engage that teenager and bring them around. If you can start talking to them about stuff that interests them, if they, you know, if they like cooking, ask them. You know what's, you know what's the last thing you cook, you know. Ask them what they want to do. If they go, hey, I really, I really enjoy playing volleyball in high school. Go, oh my gosh, you know I played volleyball in high school, but yeah, I think I, you know, ran into the net more times than I could jump. Like you can say whatever, right.
Speaker 1:And then they're going to say something and they're going to go, oh, I play this and that, and then you can see them on fire. It's kind of like if you talk to an adult, right, and you've never met an adult, and you're at some function and you're going to go meet them. If you say to the adult, hey, so what do you do for a living, and you say, oh, I life coach. Well, now it's kind of the person's like help me out, give me a little more information. But if you went up to someone at a mixer and you said, hey, I really like your shirt, what does that logo stand for? And then you go, oh, the logo is this. And now I got you. Now we're engaging and talking right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I brought you, I hooked you on something that's interesting to you.
Speaker 4:Yeah, wow, I love that. I love that so much. Essentially, what you're saying is you're humanizing these teenagers, right? Yes, they're human beings and I think so often I think it goes both ways. Like the dichotomy is how adults look at teens and how teens look at adults, right, but I love what you said because it's simply you're just humanizing the teenagers and talking to them like a person. You're getting to know their interests. I love that.
Speaker 1:Right, because you think about when you go and talk to teens. You're talking to them at their level. You don't go in when you're speaking to teens and go, so everyone has a piece of paper in front of them. I want you to write down where you expect to be in 10 years from now. I want you to tell me how you're going to get there. They're going to be like where's my phone? I want to start texting, right, but when you talk about stuff that's engaging to them, all of a sudden they're going to start hey, I got a question. Hey, let me yell something back. Not yell, but I want to engage in this and the dynamic shifts.
Speaker 1:So meet them where they're at, because they want to share stuff with you. Right, they, they want, you know they're coming into that realm of they're moving from that little kid world where they would say the most bizarre things when they're little kids, and you're like okay, and you're trying to figure out how to respond as a parent. You know, when your two-year-old decides that they don't want to wear their dress in the middle of the store, and they're like so I'm taking my dress off, and you're like yeah okay, you know having these bigger conversations where all of a sudden you have a teenager tell you that hey, so I saw this thing on Instagram about whatever it is.
Speaker 1:That's what's on their mind. So go wow, how did that make you feel? What are you thinking about that? And then you know hopefully you have some knowledge, or you can go as an adult. Wow, I didn't even know that was out there. I really need to do some research. Can you give me more information Like how? How do we connect on this?
Speaker 4:Right you know.
Speaker 1:And now you're right. You've humanized them and you've made them feel valuable. You've boosted their self-confidence, self-esteem, and that's our role as role as adults in the community as a whole, not just parents, but as a whole.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, you're right, I love that. And the thing I get a lot when I talk to teenagers is I don't want people to talk at me. You know, how can we have a conversation, how can we dialogue back and forth? And I get that and it always resonates with me and, again, I think that's what you're hitting on it's not talking at these teenagers, but having a conversation, finding out their interests, you know. So I love that, just the simplicity of what you said.
Speaker 1:Exactly Because we don't talk at each other, we talk to each other. You know, one person talks, one person listens. That's what we do as adults, that's what teenagers want, and we need to role model that for them. Right, we need to go? Hey, because then you know what the teenager is going to ask you some bizarre question, right? Like you know, they'll ask you something about so and they think you know we're way older than we look, right?
Speaker 1:They're like oh you must be really old, you know, were you alive before the internet? And then you want to say, well, yeah, kind of most of us were, but yeah, you're kind of. It was in its infant stages. America online was a thing when I was.
Speaker 1:You know growing, you know growing up laughing right Cause they're like, oh my gosh, that's funny. And now, now you've kind of got this thing going right where you're like sharing about yourself and you're right, right, we're humanizing them and we're creating connection. And you know, as human beings, that's what we wanted since the dawn of time. You know we were in tribes. You know, as a caveman, we lived in packs, we lived in tribes for survival. That hasn't changed. It just looks a little different we all want to be accepted and loved and respected and encouraged yeah, you're right.
Speaker 4:You're absolutely, absolutely right. So, desiree, I want to bring it back around to you and even as I've learned more about coaching, life coaching and done more training, there's this thing where you talk about imposter syndrome, right? So I want to talk to you about this. As a coach, has there ever been moments where you doubted yourself or you felt like, oh, my coaching is not effective, like I don't know if this is for me. Has there ever been moments like that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think when I first started, but I think as time has gone by I feel like you know I do a great job. I guess my wage that I've realized that I don't have that imposter syndrome is families that have multiple kids. I get one kid, then a few years later I'll get the next kid.
Speaker 1:Then a few years later I get the third one coming on and I actually just today had that call from one of the parents, actually called me up and she's like and I'm answering the phone, I'm like hi. And she's like so our baby is starting high school, so we're calling you now. So how are you? It's been three years and I'm like I am amazing, I thought they were phoning. I'm like, wow, why are they calling? You're like oh well, the other two are doing so great One's in med school that you know like their kids are doing great. She goes. But now we have the baby and now you're it, you're on deck again and I'm like to me that's kind of like this huge validation that what I'm doing is making a difference.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's awesome. I love that. I love that you have ways where you can measure your own success. I love that. So tell me about the people, either when you're growing up, even right now, like people who have inspired you. I know you talked a little bit about your dad and how he guided you and parented you growing up, but who are some other people that have inspired you or had a big impact on your life?
Speaker 1:So you know, I, you know I always tell people this I love Martin Luther King, I loved him. I loved you know, just everything he did and how he spoke. And it wasn't about being angry, it was about affecting change. And if you read some of his speeches right, some people I think people take little you know snippets of his, of his speeches and they distort it. But if you listen to them all it's about peaceful change. It's about education. Nelson Mandela I loved him in apartheid. I got to go to South Africa years ago and go to the district where they, you know, did all the bulldozing and moved people, and how he sat in jail for all those years.
Speaker 1:And you know, ended up winning the Nobel priest prize, and the fact that you know his. You know when you read about him he started out being this very angry young person and became this amazing piece you know person brokering piece I don't even know I won't be a peacemaker and not just what he did and how he did it, I love that. I love Thomas Edison for inventing the light bulb, because he did. He never gave up his perseverance. It took a thousand times till the light bulb you became a thing Right and I was right. He just kept failing. Yeah, and I'm like I think I might've given up after the 10th or 11th.
Speaker 1:You know what, screw it. I'm not going to be known for making a light bulb, and thousands of you know, a thousand years from now, I'm totally done. You know I'm good, I'm going to do something else, but he didn't, right.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like I'm going to try this, I'm going to try that. So it was like basically a thousand times. And then he did the light bulb. I'm like wow, wow, damn. I really would have quit after about the 10th time. I would have been like I'm doing, sent mouse.
Speaker 4:Yeah, just continue to try Resilience.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I talk about that with kids. I'm like that's pretty impressive to try something that many times.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah you know that idea that I got this, I can do this. So I like talking about that. I like talking about people that you know kind of self-reflect, you know, like Nelson Mandela, martin Luther King, and just what they did to change you know, to change everything. And I think maybe they're just bigger role models, because I didn't grow up in the United States, I grew up in Canada. So for us you know very different culture, very more you know, I don't know, laid back. We didn't have. You know the whole, you know the whole division and everything. So to me it was like, wow, you actually have to talk about that stuff, but just how you know, when you studied it and we looked at it in school, we're like, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 4:Right.
Speaker 1:Just having that. You know, I had no idea about. You know the whole division in the United States that was kind of like very foreign Cause, so it was like so people like that Nelson Mandela and just seeing what he could do. And you know my dad was native Indian, so we saw some of that whole. You know a bit of racism, you know, even growing up in Canada, but it was always his patients, right, his patients. When people you know would make fun of them or make fun of how he talked or how he looked, it was always grace. And I think having that is powerful in your life, having people that teach you grace, teach you that you can't fix it with violence, you can't fix it with anger, and I love to tell kids that I'm like. But those are real emotions, you're allowed to have them. It's just what do you channel it to do?
Speaker 3:How do?
Speaker 1:you channel your behavior? How do you channel everything? I love people like Michael Phelps for swimming and then kind of falling apart there with a little bit of the smoking of the weed and kind of owning it and saying, yeah, I made some bad choices because we all do, but I love that he owned it. I love that he's like we all make bad choices and it's okay. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's really powerful to be able to have someone that kids look up to to say stuff like that. And I mean, you know, right now we could look at Taylor Swift. She's like the modern day icon right now with what she's able to do. I'm like, wow, that's good. Bad of what you think about her. I'm like, wow, she is. What she can do is amazing, what she can. You know what her fans are doing, like her loyalty and how. You know I always talk about these fans that have loyalty. So you need to have loyalty to your family. You need to have loyalty to your own beliefs and values and it's great when you could kind of show teens where it fits in their life. You know you might hate her, you might love her, but wow, what she has done for you know, creating brand loyalty, that's how we need to be with each other, and kids are like oh, I get, like they can get it. Whether they agree with it, they can connect with it.
Speaker 4:Right, yeah. And again, it's like when you say meeting them where they are and something they can relate to, like you said, whether or not you like Taylor Swift, whether you're a Swiftie or not, you have to appreciate you know the words, the hustle, the grind, that you know all the things that she's accomplished. I mean, I love that. And even with your example, michael Phelps, I think it's important for young people, teenagers, really to see the rise and fall and just how people persevere and overcome different obstacles, because I'm sure you deal with it as well with teenagers they do teenager things.
Speaker 1:They do. I tell every parent a teenager is one decision from a bad outcome. They are one decision from a bad outcome and you know what, as long as it's not so bad that they can't, they can recover from anything, as long as you love them right. They fail a test. Okay, it's a bad day, it's not a bad life, it's. You know. They fail the test, they already feel bad. So the conversation is wow, what's next? How are you going to fix this? How, how do you move forward from there? Not like you're never going to college, you're going to be this or that, but none of those things transpire. Right, it was one decision I wanted to go out with my friends and not study. Or I decided to take a different road home and I rear-ended somebody, but we all walked out of it. And now there's some damage to some cars. Okay, you know like there's bad decisions. You know, as long as they're not catastrophic, you can back it up. And that's what the teenage years are about.
Speaker 1:And I tell parents that I'm like my kids were not not perfect. There was, you know, lots of. You know. You know mistakes. All of them were right now and I'm not really sure I mean I can honestly say my daughter got in one of the car accidents and I and her car was a write-off and I remember picking her up and going, yeah, we're just going to drive home Like I can. Even I'm like I, I and she's like are you mad? I said, well, I'm mad that you got in the car accident. I'm thankful that you're okay. But I really can't talk about it right now because I don't have the words and your dad and I need to talk, and I don't have the words of what to say to you, because what I need to say to you needs to be well thought out and I'm like, wow, I was like I was really proud of myself because I was so damn mad.
Speaker 4:You coached yourself through that situation.
Speaker 1:And I can talk to you for just listening to music right now, because I don't know what to say, because I did. I wanted to yell at her and ask her how, but I'm like you know what? How could you do that she's going to go?
Speaker 4:I don't know, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I could either build a relationship, destroy the relationship. So like I'm not going to talk about it until I can kind of come to terms with my own emotions, and I think sometimes we forget that as parents. You know, I always tell parents you never have to discipline your kid unless it's a life threatening event or you have to grab them and fix something because their life is in danger. You never have to discipline your kid at that moment and I would say it has to be a logical consequence and you never. You have to say, as a parent, I need to think about this. This, this is throwing me, I need to think about it. We need to come back to it tomorrow. We need to come back to it, you know, after we come home from you know your sister's soccer game. I I don't want to have this conversation now when I don't have control of my emotions.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What a huge thing to teach your teenager about coming getting your own emotions under control. You're not yelling at them, you're not doing anything violent, you know not that we would, but you're not throwing something or you know whatever. It is right. You know you're like my emotions are all over the place. I need to get me in check.
Speaker 4:And then we can have what, how powerful for your team, like what a role modeling opportunity. Right, that's true, and it's evidence just as you've talked about your own journey, especially as a parent how you've modeled that for your kids throughout their maturation and growth as from teens into adults. Now I love it. I love it. So I want to ask you a couple more questions. So I would be remiss if I didn't give you an opportunity to talk a little bit more about how people can reach you, how they can get involved in your coaching. And because you shared so much again, I feel like you've coached the audience and you've coached listeners and even me throughout this process. So how can people reach you? How can people get a hold of you and learn more about your coaching practice?
Speaker 1:So I have a website and it's Encouraging Teens, so it's super easy. And also my Instagram is also Encouraging Teens and I do some TikToks, which are little short little things because everyone should some TikToks, which are, you know, little short little things because everyone should do TikToks. And I have and I do, and I have Facebook and I have LinkedIn and it's all encouraging teens and that way people can find me and I, you know, I love people that you know are on Instagram following me or they sign up. I have a monthly newsletter on my website with encouraging teens and you can also book a free call with me, because sometimes, as a parent, you just want to talk to somebody and say is this normal? And then when I go, it is normal and they're like how Okay, because maybe your teen doesn't need coaching, maybe you, as a parent don't need coaching, or maybe we just need to sit down for one day and you go I have no communication skills to connect with my teen, and so we meet for an hour.
Speaker 1:I am not that coach that says you have to buy this 12-week package or this six-month package. I want to meet your teen where they're at, but I also want to meet parents where they're at and give them the tools to be successful sooner than later. I don't want to dig up, know, dig up, you know. All kinds of stuff. I want to be like okay, this is where you're at, these are the tools you want. How do we find those tools? You know, I'm not a I'm not a therapist, so I'm not into cognitive behavioral therapy and digging in their past. I want to go forward when they're going no-transcript.
Speaker 4:Maybe there's some parents out there, some teachers, coaches, who are struggling to get through to their young people, their teenagers, and they're at their wits end. They're ready to give up. What's your message to keep them going?
Speaker 1:You know what Silence is really powerful with teenagers, which sounds really, really counterintuitive. As a parent, as a teacher, as anyone trying to connect with them. You know what? If they're watching TV, it's sitting there and not even talking to them. Presence for teenagers is huge. So I tell parents, when all else fails and you feel you're not connecting your butting heads, when your teenager's lying in bed, go in there and it's a simple hey, I love you. And just sit on the edge of the bed for a couple of minutes and just be present. You don't have to say anything else, don't feel like you have to fill that space. If you're a teacher and you're struggling to connect with kids that are, you know, just pushing every button, think you know summer's a relief time for you, but during the school year sometimes you know what. Those kids just want someone to be present. So just. You don't even have to talk to them and say you know, same with anyone trying to connect with a teen.
Speaker 1:Sometimes presence is presence is powerful, just sitting in the same room with them. So start easy, give yourself grace and letting them know that you are there, because you could be sitting next to a teen and all of a sudden they can go you know what this sucked. And then you're like, wow, well, where did that come from? And go yeah, yeah, you want to talk about it. You know, don't be like, oh my don't, don't dig into it. Go, yeah, that sounds pretty tough. You want to talk about it? They go nope, just continue watching the show, because maybe tomorrow or the next day they'll give you a little more info. But let them do it on their time. But presence is huge for teens, like anyone.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well, I love that. I love that Desiree. That is so awesome. I love that message and it even helped me as a coach, as a speaker, as someone who works with teens. I love that message and again, I just want to thank you and appreciate you for joining the podcast and for your patience and modeling the grace and patience that you always talk about. I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for having me. This was great. Thank you so much appreciate you.
Speaker 4:Thank you for having me. This was great. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:It is time to realize your potential, unlock your passion and graduate to greater. Thank you for tuning into this episode of the Mic'd Up and Motivated Podcast brought to you by Inspire to Reach Higher, the youth motivational speaking company for students, parents and educators. So Outro, Music.